Love the one you're with?! Finding the balance with friends.

There is an out and out battle going on in my head about friendship. I don't know why, it drives me absolutely bonkers, but I think about it ALL the time. My friends are incredibly important to me and I genuinely love them but it seems the older I get, the less I see and hear from them. Why is this?! What does it mean for our friendships? The contradiction going on in my head is this:

Of course we see our friends less as we get older - we're busier and most of us have partnered up, so when we do have time, we want to spend time with our other halves VS. I don't care how busy we are, or that we have partners, we should ALWAYS make time for our friends.

I tend to lean towards the latter. I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to being selfish with my time. I love being at home, I love being with Josh and I also love my alone time. I don't know really know what the norm is, but I feel like I make an effort to keep in touch with my friends. I've got myself into the good habit of checking in regularly - even if it's just a whatsapp.

Our friends are so important! We have to invest in them. It's not ok to let months go by without so much as a message or a coffee date. Our friends serve a different purpose to our partners. I surround myself with funny, intelligent and honest people. I also only really hang out with people who make me feel good. I should rather say, I only hang out with people who don't make me feel worse about myself - because we all know those people are out there.

People always say "When times are really tough, you find out who your true friends are", and that is completely true. When my father passed away in 2012 there were some people that were always around. If they weren't physically around, they were calling and messaging, making sure I was ok. A week ago, I had minor surgery - not a big deal, completely standard and there was only a small possibility that I would have to stay overnight. I was all set to get a taxi to the hospital and deal with the whole situation alone, but my amazing, awesome, incredible friends would not allow it. I was driven to the hospital, had a friend by my side until I went into theatre, had a friend waiting for me when I woke up, had another friend stop by later that afternoon and another that drove me home that evening. What?! I really had to question whether or not I even deserve that kind of loyal friendship!

Yes, I do make an effort with those friends, but they respond - and that is the key. I've had to learn to stop sending my "check-in" messages to the people who don't respond or reciprocate, because as I've now experienced many times, it's just a cycle of making an effort, being rejected, feeling hurt and then angry... time passes by... and then the whole process starts again. It's just not worth it - and whats more, if those people are not responding and reciprocating, they clearly either don't have time for you or don't want to spend time with you - which is actually OK! You can't control whether or not somebody enjoys your company.

Of course there are those friends that we don't see or speak to for months on end, but when we see them it's like no time has passed. I am lucky enough to have a number of those friends - we all have them. This is a very rare type of friendship - often they come with a lot of shared history.

At the end of the day it's like any relationship. If you want it to prosper, you have to make an effort. It doesn't have to be every day, or even every week but there should be some kind of regular dialogue, otherswise it's like starting again every time you see each other. I mourn the friendships that have fizzled out of life and I feel like I've tried to revive them - maybe not enough, but when you ask to meet up with someone again and again and again, always to be met with an excuse why they can't see you, it can really knock your self-esteem.

People evolve, change and move on in their lives, so it's only natural for friendships to shift and change and even disappear - but we have to find the balance between our partner, career, alone time and friendships. We also have to find the balance when it comes to making an effort - if you're not getting anything back, stop! Rather put that effort in with the people who really love you.