PD

PD. Personal Development. Two words that make me question my entire existence. When I was in full time employment, working for a corporate publishing company, we were frequently sent on training courses and this meant that we were constantly being taught and challenged. Personal development was a phrase mentioned regularly and our employers were helping us do that - or at least helping us FEEL like we were developing. Some of these courses were about business, some about more personal issues to do with how we operate as individuals. We were encouraged to look into our behaviour and our actions and scrutinize ourselves and each other so that we would learn and grow.

These days I basically work for myself. Yes, I am employed by schools and companies, but I have the choice to work as much or as little as I like - to a degree. I spend most of my time teaching children and when I'm not teaching I'm alone in my car driving from one place to the next. I work with other adults in gig and orchestral situations and I openly find this dynamic quite challenging. I always feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm an unmusical violinist with no finesse, and I come away from every experience with high levels of anxiety and I massive crisis of confidence.

I often come out blaming all the people around - THEY make me feel inadequate. Their attitudes and the way they look at me. Yup, it's very easy to look outside yourself and point fingers when things don't feel so great on the inside.

As a teacher, I'm always looking at the students of other teachers and comparing myself to them. Am I as caring? As patient? As knowledgable? Of course not! The problem is that I think I don't stand out in any of those categories when I'm sure I do have some strengths as a teacher - I just haven't been able to define what they are. I can't blame anyone for my inadequacies as a teacher, that's all my stuff.

Then there's the whole other can of worms... Am I good person? A good friend? Am I healthy? Am I fit enough? Am I selfish or generous? Do I try hard enough to do the right thing? Am I a supportive and caring girlfriend? Do I challenge myself enough?

I've written some pretty negative things about myself and I think this is completely normal. Humans are nothing if not self-critical and this is a good thing because it pushes us to be better, try harder, strive for more. Develop.

Personal development doesn't necessarily have to be a training course with a questionnaire asking you about characteristics and behaviour and how you think you could improve on these. It's about self questioning, seeing your faults and constantly trying be a little better in the places you would usually fall down. It's learning about the things we don't know enough about, be it new developments in your field of work, nutrition or fitness.

We sometimes need to put ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable or even nervous. This is how we break down our self-inflicted boundaries and limitations. If we are doing these things, we are developing and growing. I hope that is enough.

A huge part of my personal development has been about learning to be kinder, more patient and less selfish person. I'd like to be a better teacher. I'd like to be a better violinist. I'd like to be more available to my friends and family. I'd like to be healthy and look after my body so that it can see me through all growing I want to do.

I always have the feeling that the people around me are moving forward, pushing through obstacles and reaching their goals. I'm pretty sure you all have your own internal battles going on but the bottom line is, fighting forward is more fun, more interesting and more fulfilling than standing still.

#personaldevelopment #selfimprovement #personalgrowth